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When Should You Marry?

Since the divorce rate is at an all time high many are asking when and if they should marry? It is interesting that at the beginning of the 20th Century men were in their late twenties before getting married.

In the early part of 1960 half of all girls in the USA were married by their twentieth birthday. Males were about two years older.

The 90's saw many getting married while still in their teen years. This no doubt accounts at least in-part for the high percentage of divorces.

The national statistics reveal that teenage marriages are the most unstable with the highest chance of divorce.

Many of them marry out of emotional impulse and pre-marital pregnancies which lead to a higher risk of divorce.

At the present time those entering into wedlock are taking longer to decide about marriage. However, some are attempting a trial habitation to see if it might work.

When are you ready for marriage and how do you know if proper preparation has been taken for a successful marriage? There is no absolutely guarantee for success...

There are at least 3 areas to consider in determining if you are properly prepared for a life long commitment.

Maturity

You should be mature enough to take on the personal responsibilities of a family. Granted this may be some what subjective, but there are ways to measure the maturity level.

If you are not sure what those responsibilities are, or even if you do know, it is advantageous to speak with someone who is well capable of addressing the responsibilities of a couple.

Studies have indicated that the best age to enter marriage is early to mid-twenties. This is the age that most men are either out of school or have performed their military service to their country.

Likewise the women are out of school by this age as well. At this particular time most have had their share of dating experiences and desire to begin the process of settling down.

At the same time, however, chronological age is not necessarily proof that one is mature.

Women seem to mature earlier than men, but that is not always the case. There are many factors in a persons background that either enhances their maturity or retard it. Therefore, each person has to be considered separatley.

You should, however, evaluate not only your own life, but your potential partner as well. Do not leave the evaluation process up to someone else.

You do the evaluating. You may want someone's advice, but you must have your eyes "wide open".

What are you looking for in your evaluation?

Start with the reasoning behind getting married.

Why do you both want to be married?

It is not enough to say that you love each other. Wouldn't you assume that most people who are now divorced would have said they loved each other in the beginning? Not all of course, but most "fall" in love and get married.

Look deeper than the love aspect! Are there clues of immaturity such as: wanting to be out of the parent's authority; desiring a sexual relationship; escaping educational responsibilities; etc.

These may be good reasons for marriage, but more often than not, they are poor reasons.

The emotional aspect of love is very fickle. It comes and goes, so look for intellectual reasons for getting married. Do you both complement one another with your strengths and weaknesses?

Do you both have the same type of objectives in life? Do you enjoy participating in similar events?

Educational

Have you both completed your education?

This is a judgment call whether you should have it completed prior to marriage. It may be beneficial to have it completed so you are able to focus on your studies and extra-curricular activities.

There also may be less resentment if both partners have their education completed. Many times the wife drops out of college to put her husband through school, then, she never gets back to her own educational goals.

Once the dust settles (her husband is in his career, children are all in school) regret, anger, and resentment begin to knock on the wife's heart.

Financial

Not everyone is able to be financially independent at the time of marriage, but financial stability is a good place to begin a marriage.

If you are deeply indebt or do not have a reliable occupation it may behoove you to postpone the ceremony a bit longer.

When Should You Say, "I Do" ?

After two years of romancing your partner you sense it's time to “tie the knot”.

You see that marriage has its benefits, as well as its downfalls, and it seems easier to resolve the differences along the way, rather than to evaluate the pitfalls ahead of time.

Beyond the roses and wedding cake is the “forever” of marriage. After the wedding day has come and gone, you are left with the task of building a relationship with your partner.

How will you know if you and your partner are both ready for a lifelong commitment?

Here are some tips that will help you identify whether you and your partner are ready for marriage – or whether you should end the relationship and seek another.

1. How well do you communicate together?

There are several levels of communication, from shallow chit-chat to deep “under the surface” communication.

To understand how well your partner communicates, look for situations where he or she is under pressure, even if you have not ever had troubles together. The way your partner handles issues of anger will reveal the real heart of their character.

If they are able to clearly communicate to an aggressive person without becoming angry or aggressive themselves, you may safely trust that they have specialized communication skills which are suitable for marriage.

2. What are your common interests?

Marriage survival experts indicate that having a set of common interests outside the bedroom assists you with your relationship, as it helps you to have fun together. These interests strengthen your relationship and add flair to life.

If your interests are too wide apart, or non-existent, then you may find it difficult to stay together. If you plan to stay married for any length of time then you will not want it to be a chore to be involved with your partner’s hobbies or sports.

3. What are your thoughts about children?

Only half the people that get married have a plan for children in their relationship. The other half just “let it happen” along the way.

Sooner or later you or your partner will bring up the question of having kids.

When is the right time for children in your relationship?

When will you be able to afford the extra cost of child rearing?

Have you got a strategy for their education?

Having children means taking on extra responsibility as a parent, and moves your relationship from husband and wife to father and mother.

This added dimension has shown to be the cause of many separations in today’s society, so it is best to know how you expect to handle this with your partner before you tie the knot.

4. How will you work out your finances?

The last major factor affecting marriage is the use and control of finances. Ironically this is one of the most under-planned issues in marriage, as the old adage pervades most peoples thoughts, “Two can live as cheap as one.” But this is only half correct!

Investigate with your partner how much income you both receive.

Will you both be working? Will you have a saving account?

Are you getting a mortgage as well?

Can you set a budget for daily living and household expenses and keep to it?

If you are like most families, there is no budget that controls the way the finances are spent. As a result there is pressure to work extended hours or multiple jobs in order to survive.

You will need to make your partner aware of how you expect finances to be spent, and find out how they expect to set up finances after the big day.

These questions need to be answered at the time you accept or decline your fiancés request for marriage.

If you are able to honestly work through these questions together, you will be able to determine whether it is the right time to say, “I do.”

Church Annulments - Do They Count in God's Eyes?

Are church annulments recognized in God's eyes?

To help understand this, let us begin with a hypothetical story.

A woman marries at a young age and after realizing her mistake, divorces her husband. A few years later, she meets a wonderful man and falls in love with him.

He asks her to marry him and she says yes. However, the man is a practicing Catholic. Because of his faith, he insists that the Catholic Church annuls her first marriage.

Because of her love for this man, she agrees.

But after jumping through all the hoops that the church requires, does it really count?

Is this annulment recognized in God's eyes?

Regarding marriage and divorce, Mt. 19:6 says, "Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate". Keep in mind that the Catholic Church is run by men.

Of course, there is one exception, but it has nothing to do with annulment. Mt. 19:9 states, "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery".

Did this woman's former husband cheat on her?

If so, then it would seem that the marriage has already been dissolved in God's eyes. So any annulment through the church would only be following tradition and would be pointless.

If there was no unfaithfulness by her former husband, is she still married?

There are several theories, but the Bible is not clear on this, making them subjective.

Was SHE unfaithful?

If so, that would make her the sinner. However, sin is forgivable if she gives herself to Christ and is baptized for the remission of her sins.

Has either one of them been intimate with someone else since the divorce?

Theoretically, since the marriage was still valid in God's eyes, this would still be adultery and forgivable.

As stated before, these are subjective theories. But there is hope.

Jn.4: 7-26 tells the story of Jesus and the Samaritan woman at the well. She had five former husbands and was currently living with a man that was not her husband.

Despite her lurid past, Jesus tells her that by knowing the gift of God, she could receive the living water, meaning eternal life.

Jesus has the power and authority to absolve anyone of any situation if they give their lives to Him.

Back to the original question: Are church annulments recognized in God's eyes? The simple answer is "no".

So what must this woman do?

She has two choices.

She could remain single and celibate the rest of her life, but in this day and age, that is not an option for most people.

She has one other option. She must give herself to Christ, be baptized, pray for forgiveness, and live a good Christian life to the best of her ability.

On judgment day, she can take comfort in knowing that she will stand before a just, loving, and forgiving God.

How to Stir Things Up in A Marriage

Have you been married for a while now and things seem to be spiraling into a whirlwind of different schedules for all family members?

Do you find little time for romance, routines daily that seem to be robotic like, schedules to keep, commitments to others that take time from the family dynamics?

Do you feel you and your husband need to rekindle the bonds that brought you together in the first place?

The first thing to do is consider all the distractions of daily life. With children, time commitments can be significant and can be all encompassing.

There are car pools, school meetings, sports, birthday parties, homework, shopping trips, and it seems never ending sometimes.

These things all help a child to develop social skills and are very important; however, so is your time alone with your spouse and you must try to find a balance.

Maybe you can figure a way to lighten the burden on both of you with regards to all the children's activities by involving others, such as grandparents or aunts and uncles, to take on some of the picking up and dropping off chores.

Most grandparents would love to have more time with their grandkids and would find the drive time a good opportunity to communicate more with the kids.

What seems like a chore to you could be very enjoyable for the grandparents. Today kids are so busy that they often have little time to spend hours with grandparents so these encounters can be a special time.

Maybe you can have a party away from your home at a pizza place or at a sporting event so you do not have to spend hours cleaning and preparing foods, etc.

There are bird spotting tours and leaf identification tours that are lead by a Park Ranger which kids will love and will teach them the joys of being outside and nature.

The time they are on the supervised hike can be a good time for you and your husband to take a short walk together and discuss some important issues or just relax and spend the time together.

The idea is to look at the week activities and see what time you can carve out for you and your husband alone.

To have that time to speak to your spouse uninterrupted and to show care and concern are vital to a good marriage.

It will make the time you do spend with the children much more productive for them and you as well.

A child senses when the parents are in synch in their marriage. The old saying, "The best gift you can give a child is happy parents" holds true in this modern day and age when everyone is so rushed and so intent on doing everything quickly.

Take some time to preserve your love and concern for your husband or wife and it will pay off in happier children and more loving and nurturing for the family as a whole.

Plan your life and do not just let the world set up all the pressures that need to be met. Make your own goals for your family, your marriage, and your peace of mind.

Is Your Marriage on Auto-Pilot?

Ah...remember that honeymoon phase when you first fell in love?

You may have even been in the lust and infatuation stage before you even realized you were in love. You felt giddy, smitten, and were walking on air.

Your heart went pitter patter and your breath was shallow whenever you were around your honeypie.

You were busy with work and responsibilities, but you would always catch up later. At this phase you wanted to spend all your waking hours with your sweetheart.

But then came love, then came marriage, then came Junior in the baby carriage. Suddenly, there are bills to pay; places to go, repairs to do and you’re just tired all the time.

You relent with a sigh, “so this is marriage?!”

Whether you’ve been married 12 months or 12 years, it doesn’t have to mean the honeymoon is over.

Think back to the effort you made initially when you were wooing your betrothed. You get what you give. If you give a humdrum effort day in and day out, that’s what you’ll get in return.

If you give romance and spark, guess what?

You’ll get the same in return?

Forgot how to do that?

No worries. Here are ten suggestions to help jump start your hibernating marriage.

1. Drop off a cup of coffee and an apple to your spouse at work. Don’t stay; just say you appreciate the hard work and thought he/she might be ready for a break.

2. Place a note in the sole of his/her shoes “You’re my heart and sole”

3. When your spouse gets home from work have a picnic all prepared – in the bedroom. Picnic blanket spread across the bed, beverage of choice, shrimp, strawberries, bread.

If the kids are around, have a pizza waiting for them and tell them that the parents need some time to discuss some things.

4. If you live in a winter climate, take your wife’s/husband’s clothes (assuming it’s not a suit or dress) and put them in the dryer first thing in the morning. Getting dressed into warm snuggly clothes in the dead of winter is a real treat.

5. Leave a love note in the purse or briefcase.

6. Participate in one of your spouse’s activities that you’d rather not. Go fishing with him, go to a play with her, walk the golf course with him, take her shopping – just try it.

Even if it’s not the time of your life, the fact that you wanted to do something he/she enjoys will speak volumes.

7. Go for a walk and for gosh sakes, hold hands!

8. Have some sexy pictures taken of you. Even if you use your own digital camera in your spouse’s favorite outfit (or lack of one!)

Most cameras are equipped with self timers. Leave it in the lunch box or have it waiting in the car with a note “meet me for lunch at noon at xxx”

9. Switch chores. If you don’t normally take out the trash, do it this week. If it’s usually her job to do laundry, just do a load.

10. Compliment your spouse often. Don’t say it if you don’t mean it, but there is always something positive you can say.

Whether, “I appreciate you working hard every day for us.” Or “That dinner was fantastic” “That outfit makes you look really hot.” Whatever – so long as you’re sincere and you keep them coming!

Hopefully this has given you a start. Please give it some thought. Your random acts of kindness need not be time consuming nor expensive. Just remember, a little goes a long, long way!

Can 'Mixed' Marriages Work?

As society becomes culturally intertwined, it becomes more common to see marriages between individuals of different racial background.

How are these marriages surviving and even flourishing?

In some countries the prejudice and stigma are so great that couples who become involved romantically with an individual of another race may find the pressures of family and society become too overwhelming to resist.

In other countries, a general level of tolerance leads many to consider mixed relationships, but an undercurrent of bias deters them from marriage.

It is a fortunate group who find the level of acceptance in their society means that their marriage is rarely, if ever, marred by prejudicial onlookers.

It is a sad fact that intolerance has become part of human nature, but individuals who have found love in a different race have fought the challenges for hundreds of years.

What does that mean for their marriages?

To comment on it from a purely secular viewpoint, it might be said that the fight to become a couple in the first place may well help a couple to create a bond together that is not easily broken by outside influence.

A couple who can outwardly show their abilities to see beyond the superficial may be better able to hazard the storms of marriage.

Is a mixed couple's marriage stronger than a non-mixed couple?

NO. Many couples face trials which create a similar sense of 'us-against-the-world' - an outlook that may sound negative but which creates an environment of trust and reliability between the couple.

It also fosters a feeling that they have fought together and can take on any obstacle as a team.

With the world becoming what some have termed a 'melting pot' of cultures, many couples find that aside from their outer appearance they share much of the same cultural background.

In marriages where there is a clear difference of traditions it could be noted that to marry outside of one's race would indicate a flexibility and strength of character which would smooth out many of the cultural distinctions.

Perhaps a genuine interest and love of their mate's culture could also attribute to a healthy marriage.

Whatever the situation, in today's society, as many cultures are beginning to adopt a less respected view of marriage, it is wonderful to see couples who outwardly, or even privately, are able to stick together as one and fight off the intrusions that so often pull marriages apart.
 
Three Points to Consider for Having a Happy Marriage

Every day we see couples around us who are married and often we are left wondering... why?

What holds those two together?

Why do they seem unhappy but stay together?

Are they really as outgoing and pleasant as they seem in public?

Don't they ever have a disagreement or a shouting match?

Are they for real in their affection for each other or is it all just for show?

Many times if you are in a marriage and wondering about a possible divorce, you seem to not be able to see others around you in a realistic light.

Of course, couples fight and have disagreements, but the ones that stay together have learned how to fight and how to make their points and nurture their relationship.

If you want to avoid a divorce and have a good marriage, there are some points to follow that may have been forgotten over time with the disagreements with kids, meals, job conflicts, sports schedules, discipline, etc.

First, you must recognize the other partner's freedom to choose their position. Respect their independence and respect their thought processes.

This is not saying that you cannot try to influence their decisions, only that you MUST respect their position.

If you cannot respect their position, possibly you do not respect the person and you should give a lot of thought to the reason you feel this way.

If they respect you, then you need to give the same respect back and if you cannot, then you need to figure out why.

Second, you must fight fair. This means that when a disagreement is noticed, talked about, and resolved with mutual satisfaction points, then it is not fair to bring it up again in a "punishment" sort of way.

In most arguments, someone generally feels right and even though they may be wrong, the opinions usually remain, and you cannot win by bringing up the old fight and old attitudes. Let it go.

Nothing is gained by harboring old hurts and judgments. If you and your partner cannot talk and resolve issues, then you need to figure out if you really want to resolve the conflict or if you just cannot communicate with the other person.

Do you always have to have a drama going on?

Whatever the reason, you and your partner need to have conclusions to personal issues and feel secure enough in each other's care and concern that those conclusions will be respected by both parties.

Third, never, ever fight in front of the children. Seeing the two people they love argue and not being able to fix the problem or help, changes the way a child feels about themselves and about their world.

They feel less secure and cared about. We need all our children to have tremendous self-esteem and know how to handle anger and express their opinions.

Their parents, and especially the same sex parent, are their first and most important contacts in this process. Do not make them feel they are powerless and things are hopeless.

Children need to be children and not involved in adult issues. Keep the discussions among the adults involved.

If you can talk to your partner in a loving way and still discuss a problem or situation, then you are on your way to keeping your love and your marriage alive and ongoing.

Then you can be one of those people who others look at with envy and you will know that your marriage is secure and happy.

E - Dove services   02 - 10 - 2008

7 Secrets of a Happy Marriage

Do you believe in falling in love?

In finding that "special someone" who is your other half, your soulmate?

Do you dream of finding the one person in all the world who will understand you, love you and be there for you, no matter what?

If so, you're not alone. In fact, statistics show that about 90% of adults will get married at least once in their lives.

As a society, we've become so conditioned to the fairy tale of "Happily Ever After" that many people actually feel as if their life is lacking something if they're not a part of a couple.

But sadly, just like in the movies, most peoples' thoughts seem to stop at the part when the music swells and the happy couple says "I do" and loses themselves in that first magic kiss as husband and wife. They don't think about what happens after the honeymoon.

Considering that about 43% of all marriages in the U.S. ends in divorce, perhaps a class on the realities of building and maintaining a strong healthy marriage should become required before signing on the dotted line of a marriage license.

Having a happy marriage doesn't just happen by accident. It doesn't happen because you're "in love" or "perfect" for each other. Marriage is a partnership, and like any partnership, it takes commitment, dedication and hard work to help it to grow strong.

Here are some tips given by couples whose marriages are strong and healthy. Follow them, adapt them to work in your own marriage, and you'll be on your way to having what we all want -- a happy marriage!

1. Communicate. It's important that you keep the lines of communication open. Especially when things go wrong.

There are so many outside influences that can affect a marriage -- jobs, family, friends, hobbies, education, church.

If you're suddenly not being able to spend time together, or you're fighting about money, it's especially important to talk about what's going on.

2. Listen. It's a sad fact that we are often more polite to strangers than we are to the people we love the most.

If your spouse is trying to talk to you, whether it's to find out what you want for dinner, to tell you about their day, or to discuss a problem in your marriage, give them the same courtesy you'd give a complete stranger, and LISTEN!

Don't try to finish their sentences, don't try to solve their problems, and don't ever say, "I told you so!" Here's an especially apt poem, written by Ogden Nash:

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.

3. Create rituals and family traditions. Every successful couple has their own private rituals - things they do that has a special meaning just to them.

So whether it's getting your spouse coffee every morning, a special touch that means "I love you", or creating couple signals for "Let's get out of here, or "No, I don't want to buy a timeshare for $95,000!" find your own.

Remember some of your favorite childhood family traditions, and incorporate them or start new ones in your own couple. Someday, you'll look back on each time as a treasured memory.

4. Go on a date. Couples who have been together for thirty, forty and even fifty years or more say that one of the things that has kept their marriage strong is going out on a "date" with their spouse on a regular basis.

If money is tight, try taking a walk together, going to a dollar movie, or even to a drive-in.

Spending quality "couple-time" helps to reinforce the special feelings that made you fall in love with each other in the first place.

5. Agree on money matters early. Amazingly, many couples never discuss money except in the most superficial ways until after they're married.

One of the leading causes of arguments in marriages is because of a difference in how money is handled in the couple.

Before you walk down the isle, discuss your feelings about things like credit, paying bills and saving money. Talk about how you will pay expenses, and who will handle the money.

Finding out after the fact that you have major differences is only going to lead to long term problems.

6. Love and Respect. No matter what happens outside of your marriage, it's vital that you and your spouse always treat each other with love and respect.

There are some simple rules that have worked for couples for the last 80 years that still apply today. They include: Never go to bed angry.

Kiss each other every time you come home, or before going out. Say "I love you" every single day. Mind your manners, and say "Please" and "Thank-you".

Do something for the one you love every day. Just because. Occasionally write love letters to each other.

Laugh at his/her jokes, no matter how bad they are, or how often you've heard them. Don't sweat the little things. Try something new once in a while.

7. Maintain a commitment to your marriage. This can be especially difficult today, but it's important that you put your marriage first.

If you're committed to making your marriage a success, and you know that your partner shares your commitment, there's nothing that the two of you can't accomplish.

And you'll be one of the lucky few that have a truly happy marriage!

Marriage Records - What Are They For?

Marriage is a big event in one's life. Sadly enough, many end in divorce and this ends up on the public records in the county court houses of all states across the union.

People use the records for a couple of reasons:

1. Research, genealogy or other family reasons;

2. personal reasons; somebody may be researching a person they are interested in to verify they are for real and telling the truth.

Depending on what kind of information is sought by a an individual of the public, marriage records can provide complete unlimited access and limited access.

Many times states will grant access to an individual free online or even for a small fee to cover any administrative costs associated with the marriage records.

Many times free access to marriage records grants the individual only the bare minimum data such as age, name, date of birth, place of residence and who his or her spouse is.

If someone is looking for more concrete data that makes sense, one will often have to pay for it as this may be maintained or administered through a third party private company.

Many times, when a woman wants to change her name to match that of her husband's legal last name, she must produce a marriage record that shows she is married and is eligible to change it legally in the first place.

A marriage license is a government issued document that states she is legally entitled to all the benefits and tax breaks for being married as well.

When it comes to the marriage records, just like anything else, they can be a valuable tool and also a menace, however this depends upon who uses them.

The press can easily use them to give their ratings a boost in readers yet can easily damage someone's reputation in the same light.

A lawyer can use this to taint the image of a potential witness or someone just as easily can take this publicly available information and really use it in a libel or slanderous way while by posting it conveniently on the Internet for the whole world to see just that much easier.

Now, there is not a need to fret however. Many times, the purpose of the marriage records is just to give general notice to the public that these two individuals have entered into a legal contract with each other and they accept full rights and responsibilities that come along with this legal contract that the state essential grants them.

Most of the time people do not have much to worry about their public information being even made more public on the Internet.

The average Joe prankster is too worried about his own problems in life that he's not going to waste his time trying to make anyone else look more like a fool as it is.

E - Dove Services   26 - 09 - 2008    New

 

Is marriage a contract or a covenant?

So many times we hear marriage referred to as a contract. Sometimes it’s even called “just a piece of paper”.

One dictionary definition of a contract is, “A binding agreement between two or more persons that is enforceable by law.”

A contract, by definition, is a give/get relationship between two or more parties. You agree to do something and in return you get something for your efforts.

A builder signs a contract stating that he or she will build you a house and in return you agree to pay them a pre-determined amount of money. If the house is not built or the money isn’t paid, then it’s off to court.

Many great things have been accomplished through the use of contracts. A contract essentially attempts to keep honest people honest and dishonest people to a minimum.

A contract can be an extensive five-hundred page document, researched and compiled by top-paid lawyers over a grueling amount of time, listing multiple “what-if..” scenarios and agreed upon outcomes, or it can be a simple verbal agreement bound by a single handshake.

However, in most cases, when two people marry, the signed marriage registration document merely states that the two people mentioned in the document were joined in matrimony.

It does not mention anything about things agreed upon – who will give what, and what they will get in return from the other person.

Even the vows don’t contain any “What I will get in return” statements. They only contain what each party will give and not what they will get.

This is because love is a very powerful “life force”. It is not just an emotion. When someone truly loves another they don’t count the cost.

Parents will risk their own lives without a thought to save the life of even one of their children.

Marriage is a contract in that it binds both people together, but it is much more than that. Marriage is a more like a covenant which is much deeper than a contract.

In a marriage covenant, each party agrees to give themselves totally and unconditionally to their partner.

It’s an “I’ll be there for you no matter what” attitude. That’s the commitment level required to make a marriage work.

Is this a hard commitment to live out in practice? Ask any marriage that has survived many years and you’ll hear the answer to be a resounding “Yes!”

Marriage, like anything good, has to be worked at if it is to succeed and each party enjoy years of fulfilling life with their spouse. Ask those same couples if it was all worth it and you will also hear a resounding “Yes!”

Marriages break down when one or both of the parties consistently fails to live out their commitment to the other and the load is too much to bear for the other partner.

It’s only when both parties live out their married lives to each other as a covenant, and not just a contract, that a marriage can be strong and survive in today’s world.

Living out a full covenant of married love can bring a joy, a strength, a closeness, and a life filled with love that truly lasts until “death do us part”.

E - Dove Services  21 - 09 -2008   New